The Pot Roast Principle in an Autism Family

There's an old story about a new bride who cuts the ends off the roast she cooks for her husband. When her husband asks why she cuts his favorite parts off, she says that's the way her mother always did it. 

When the bride asks her mother why she cuts the ends off, the mother says that her mother always did that. 

The next time the newlyweds go to the grandmother's house they see the grandmother cut the ends off the meat, and they ask her why she does this.

It turns out her “big cooking secret” is no mystery at all: she only cuts off the ends because the meat will not fit in her small pan otherwise.

This morning my Mark was touching the string above my car in the garage. I asked him not to play with it. As I pulled out, the garage door wouldn't go down when Mark pushed the button. He was frustrated that it wasn't working, and I was frustrated and told him that that's why he should listen to me. 

I didn't, however, explain the situation to him in a way that he would understand that he had disconnected the motor from the garage door by pulling the string. Understanding this fact would have made him especially motivated not to mess with the string because he loves to push the button and watch the door go up and down. It also meant he wouldn’t be afraid to pull a string next time even if it was the right thing to do.

Yes, Mark should listen when I tell him not to do things, but not just "because I'm the mom" but because there are reasons why things are done certain ways. Too often this is the piece missing in the coaching of people on the autism spectrum.

When “our” kids start to think or experiment, people scold them. When they do messy things, people get mad at them. The signs of autism progress are too often "be seen and not heard" behavior and regurgitation of facts.

Lately, Mark has been neatening and fixing things. It is sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse. He has seen me wipe spots of water off the bathroom floor with a bath mat and then heard me get short with him when he dries the floor with the towel I use after my shower. He is trying to be responsible but gets blamed for it. 

I believed little Mark could learn. 

I believe big Mark should behave.

Parents generally respond differently to the actions of a typical toddler who does something than an older child or a teen who can ask questions, explain themselves, or reason. 

Autism parents often treat their toddlers the same when they become older children, teens, and adults, perhaps because their grown children’s expressive language is still limited. 

The teens and adults, however, are screaming for challenges, responsibilities, and knowledge while still needing patient, loving guidance.

In the first story, two generations slavishly followed tradition without understanding it. 

If we don't enable people like Mark to understand why we do things, they will keep doing them -- and sometimes with good intentions -- and they will sometimes get praised and sometimes get blamed.

And they may never understand why.

Their worlds will be scary and random. 

They will look for someone to tell them what to do and will get in trouble when no one's around or when they misunderstand. 

This autism mom’s secret is to ask questions, even if you think you know the answer — and to encourage your kids to do so, too.