Beyond Granola

In understanding autism, we are all blind men living in a world of elephants, and I learned that through a glimpse into my son's concept of what it means for his dad to go to work.

As Mark became more verbal, more inquisitive, and from my perspective more exhausting, I started to use the term “OCD tendencies” for his behavior. He had not only been saying on Sunday that John would be going to work on Monday but also “Dad’s going to take his black briefcase,” “He’s going to put the iron away before going,” and “He’ll put a granola bar in his briefcase.”

I finally asked John if he takes granola bars to work. Apparently, he does, and he was surprised that Mark had noticed – and that I hadn’t. When I paid attention to details, I was surprised to see Mark look in John’s briefcase and inspect the bar but not try to eat it. He loves them, but he seemed to view that granola bar as an integral part of his dad’s going to work, much as taking a snack to school was important to him at that time. 

When John had a business trip and was gone for a couple nights, Mark asked me on the first morning if Dad was at work. I told him "yes," but I did not specify that John was working out of town. That evening Mark was concerned not only that his dad was not home for dinner but also that his briefcase was not in its place. 

That’s the day I realized Mark gets only a glimpse at one aspect of John’s work and I get only a glimpse of Mark’s thinking. That’s also the day I stopped thinking of Mark’s questions as a sign of being static or obsessive but as his attempts to put together where his dad is, what his dad is doing there, and when he will see him again.

I felt ashamed of myself for not having thought about what John’s going to work looked or felt like to Mark. I felt guilty for assuming Mark was exhibiting OCD tendencies. I wondered to what extent we use labels like intellectually disabled when we should use terms like language impairment. 

I stopped getting frustrated with Mark and realized that I do know what John does at work but still ask questions about what time he will be home and the details that affect me. We all have partial truths and lots of fallacies. Language abilities are vital to communication, and so is taking another person’s perspective. 

John pointed out the box of granola bars I had bought at the store – a mix of three kinds – and said that he loves one type, can tolerate another, and despises the third. I had no idea that he liked that one.

Mark probably does.